I am SO exhausted. I can't get much sleep. It takes forever to fall asleep. I know 11:00 or 11:30 isn't late for all of you, but for me it is. Get in bed at 9:00-9:30ish, talk with MJ, read or journal until 10:00, and then lay down. Wait until 10:30 .. . . . still awake. Go to the bathroom, just to stand up, and not feel completely useless. Go back into bed. Lay there, frustrated with myself. Tomorrow will be awful. Stay up for a little while longer. Switch from side to side. Finally, lay on my back (thats my, I am so not getting any sleep tonight position) Then, as I stare at the dark ceiling and listen to MJ's breathing, I might fall asleep. Last night wasn't as bad, I only stayed up till 10:45ish. I don't know what is wrong with me. Its not like I am thinking about anything. I try not to think of anything at all. Just listen to my breathing, my own heart beat. But it doesn't work. And then when I get up at 7:30 in the morning, I am so tired, and can barely pull myself out of bed. By the time I get to friday, I am so tired, and I don't even want to stay up late.
So, I lay in bed late into the night, wishing I had a iTouch, or laptop so I could spend my wasted hours typing blog posts, or writing long pointless emails to people.
Life is so confusing. Growing up is so hard, and I am in the thick of it. I have friends my age, but I never really talk to them about my big problems. I don't even know how to put my problems to words. They are just there.
Amazing Grace just sounds comforting. I say it in my head when I am trying to sleep. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound. But I spend those sleepless nights wondering if I will be able to finish the hymn in my own heart.
